Everyone lies. But the motives and degree really matter. A 'white lie, that is one to spare the feelings of another, can be a kind and ethical behavior. A lie to avoid blame for a misdeed is a betrayal of trust. A healthy intimacy requires trust. If he appologizes for having lied in the past, and no longer lies, I would forgive him. If he continues to lie, I would not be in the relationship.

Why do BPD individuals become so attached to a particular love object?
Let me define borderline as I did in my book, "I Love You Madly." Borderline is a severe level of personality organization. It is characterized mainly by primitive defenses, identity diffusion, poor affect regulation and difficulty with intimacy. Since they feel so incomplete, they seek others who are initially idealized to complete them. When they still feel unhappy, they blame the object of attachment.

Why is it so hard for them to let go of that attachment and continue to renew the cycle with that love object after each dramatic disruption in the relationship?

In lieu of a cohesive identity, they replace it with a drama. Without the drama, they risk losing the self.

Are their approach/avoidance cycles likely to continue because of this attachment?

Dr. Guntrip called it the "In and Out program."  The idealization-devaluation, splitting and projective identifications will continue until there is successful treatment.

I think Dr. Gunderson is referring to a particular type of dependent personality at the borderline level of organization. Many borderline personalities, such as the narcissistic type, can be very fickle, going from one intense relationship to another constantly being in love with being in love. The moment the mutual idealization is challenged with real problems, the borderline individual devalues the formerly idealized lover and leaves. But many people with BPD stay attached so they do not feel abandoned.

I have enclosed a recent paper where Dr. Gunderson and colleagues did research on borderline personalities attachment styles: "The Relationship Between Self-Reported Attachment Styles, Interpersonal Dysfunction, and Borderline Personality Disorder
Lois W. Choi-Kain, MD, Garrett M. Fitzmaurice, ScD, Mary C. Zanarini, EdD, Olivier Laverdie`re, MPs, and John G. Gunderson, MD, J Nerv Ment Dis 2009;197: 816-821.

"Abstract: Clinical theories of borderline personality disorder (BPD) identify
attachment insecurity as the basis of its characteristic disturbed interpersonal
functioning... BPD subjects reported higher scores on both preoccupied and
fearful attachment styles than both MDD and non-borderline comparison
groups. A mixed model of preoccupied and fearful attachment was more
prevalent in the BPD group and was associated with 3 to 20 times greater risk
for diagnosis of BPD. Scores on preoccupied and fearful attachment styles
were correlated with features of interpersonal disturbance in BPD. A combination
of preoccupied and fearful self-reported attachment styles is more
specific to BPD than either style alone or attachment insecurity in general."

The best evidenced based treatments for BPD in my opinion are Peter Fonagy's Mentalization Based Psychotherapy and Otto Kernberg's Transference Focused Therapy. I recently filmed Kernberg lecturing along with Dr. Alla Gordon. They can be seen on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btez9ZoobiM
thanks Bob

The best predictor of how people will act in the future is their track record and not what they promise. A bad history of intimate relationships is a window to the future. Personality is made up of enduring traits. Only insight, responsibility for one's situation and hard work can change these patterns. Not promises.

There are a lot of annoying things that people do to one another. People can be petty about small things or be insensitive about big things. We are typically not easy to live with. We humans are by nature aggressive (actively or passively).That is the down side of being at the top of the food chain. We are aggressive animals; far more than any other. (We are also the most caring and emphatic. We are a paradoxical animal.)

But there are some things that do serious damage to intimacy that are more than just annoying. I call these "relationship killers."

I wrote about relationship killers in my books on love relationships. Many people have experienced the heartache of being in love with a very difficult person. Although there are many personality traits that make intimacy difficult, most problems can be worked out. Some cannot. I have identified three relationship killers and you need to be able to spot them in both yourself and in others.


1. Egocentricity or Selfishness. A relationship is a partnership that involves negotiating and sharing. Egocentricity will destroy love.


2.Hostility. Love needs some aggression for passion. But hostility is aggression that seeks to do harm. Too much hostility will destroy love.


3.Primitive defenses. Some normal level defensiveness is self protective, but primitive defenses are harmful. Primitive defenses include denial of reality ("I did not say that!"), projection (when someone puts his or her problems on to you) and splitting (seeing everything in black and white terms). All couples have problems, but with primitive defenses the problems are never resolved. The problems escalate over time.

If you have these traits to the point that it damages relationships, you will need psychotherapy. There is no quick fix. Psychotherapy is the only thing that can help.

If you love someone who has too many of these traits, CAUTION! You cannot talk them out of these traits.They are not just bad habits, but part of their personality. Perhaps they might improve with intensive psychotherapy, but nothing short of that will help.

If you learn to spot the real relationship killers, you might save yourself a lot of heartache.

There are three main intimacy creators. There are many things that are pro-social or helpful to relationships, such as clear and constructive communication and kindness. But the main creators to intimate relationships are:
1. attraction and passion,
2. friendship and
3. commitment.
They are each separate factors (and come from different parts of the brain!).

There must be attraction and passion. Without friendship, the passion will wane. There also needs to be a commitment to the intimacy. All three are needed for a mutually satisfying and lasting love.

There is no perfect love. You will be wasting your time looking for it. At first, when you are in the stage of delusional infatuation, you are biologically and psychologically programmed to see your lover as "perfect." I wrote in my book, "I Love You Madly!":

"...most people avoid insight and seek an ideal love with a magical hero or heroine (Bergmann, 1982; Freud, 1914/1957). They hope that their problems will be solved by a transformational love. Falling in love returns us to the emotions of infancy and childhood, when we felt a magical symbiosis with an idealized caregiver. When the child receives inadequate love, the notion of an idealized love becomes fixated and is expected in adult love relations. Mature love requires the love of truth and is content with "good enough"; immature love requires the love of magical thinking."

It is magical thinking to believe that there is a perfect someone out there and a union with this perfect other will bring eternal bliss.

However, you do want to find someone with whom you have a mutual sense of passion, fun and concern. You want someone who is not defensive and can be fair minded. In the past, marriages were mainly arranged. It was a matter of survival. Today, people marry for psychological needs and not for survival. For love to last, there needs to be a good foundation in friendship; only then the passion will last.
Now, many people go online to dating websites. Not only can you meet people you might never otherwise have met, but you can also use questionnaires to find compatible people. Why wait months to later find out that you are not compatible?

The questionnaire is a crucial part of finding just the right person- for you. But then you have to sort by responding to your "chemistry" cues.You also need to ask the right questions and be satisfied with the answers. Also, I worked hard to not only make the questionnaire highly effective, but short!

All this doesn't sound romantic. But it is OK to do both brain work and also flirt and be romantic. In all of your goals to happiness, you do not wait for a lucky accident. You work to increase your odds.